Thursday, July 21, 2005

to whom it may concern

I love the brethren and all, but do you have to give us your tithe at Wal-Mart? Can we just peruse the detergent aisle without having to receive a $300 payment for next months mission trip? And yes, your assumptions are correct - we are living, breathing commentaries - available 24 hours a day. So sure, it's no problem, call us at 11 pm and let us explain to you the hidden mysteries of both the Old and New Testaments. Don't know how to pronounce a name or city in the Bible? We don't mind, go ahead and buzz our place about 11:30 for that one. Just make sure the phone rings at least 5 or 6 times so we'll have ample opportunity to get out of bed and come to the rescue. And also, feel free to use us as a walking phone book service. Need another church members number? Well certainly we have each and every one of them memorized by now, so don't go to all the trouble of looking it up yourself - that would be silly. Can't get in touch with a hard to find church member? Then call me at work and I'll make certain I relay the message to them upon my daily visit to their home. Not a problem. Forgotten what time an event occurring next week is scheduled to begin? Don't call the church office between 9-5, call us during dinner instead - that makes perfect sense. And lastly, do you have nothing to say, and are in desperate need of someone to say it to? Then just call our house every five minutes or so for two or three hours straight, but whatever you do, please don't leave a message and wait for us to return your call at our convenience - that would be absolutely ridiculous.
posted by Christie